There is absolutely nothing more disconcerting than realizing half a second before you grasp the trigger and take care of your target that the bastard is whirling to fire at you because he has some crazy sixth sense.

Let me correct that. There is something more disconcerting. Having him switch targets from you to a monstrosity that has leapt through the wall clawing his mistress into shreds while dragging about various sparking electrical wires and howling in an octave guaranteed to arouse every dog within hearing distance.

That's a lot of dogs. Even in Guatemala where they are served for dinner.

Have I mentioned I hate Mondays?

If I hadn't ended up realizing my sense of humor was still intact a moment later when the dogs actually did show up, (not to mate actually, but because they were attack dogs and trained for this sort of thing) I would have thought I had cracked according to the statistics. But no... the dogs entered and as predicted they had a dueling banjoes contest fit for the records. No banjoes of course. Dogs here aren't that different. And then lunch was served. I'll take my dogs rare please...

I hate Mondays. I hate Mondays. I hate Mondays. I hate Mondays.

Maybe if I repeat that enough times I will open my eyes and my target will not have been half digested, nor will there be a shrieking and bellowing creature half crossed with the swamp thing from and my whiney voiced sister-in-law.

I hate Mondays. This isn't happening. I hate Mond... err on the other hand they did say to try and make it appear natural if I could. This doesn't exactly qualify as natural but hey... at least they can't pin it on our people. Our people aren't the steak taretare type.

Unfortunately, now I am stuck in the rafters of a dilapidated, even more so now, palatial estate of a drug lord whose body is in the process of being eaten and whose mistress finally got to weigh under a hundred pounds again. Not to mention the brief spurts of gunfire from his ever so attentive guards. So brave against this wire laden pet of Frankenstein. Who knows. Maybe someday before I starve they'll actually open the door and fire at the damn thing.

Mental note. Don't even think starve when you are perching above the half eaten corpse of an aging drug lord and watching the pet of the bride of Frankenstein finish off the local K-9 unit. Bad Karma.

What... There's another set of eyes in this room and they are staring at me. No not the monster thing. It's still destroying it's diet. Silicone can't be good for you. No, these are are definately human eyes. But what they are doing in this room... Alright the dogs I could handle and hey... who doesn't need a monster every now and then for a change of pace but now you've gone too far.

You see, this is why I hate Mondays. Only on Mondays do I get a target who gets half eaten, a monster to deal with and a room crawling with ninjas. Ninjas! Christ, I gotta get a new career. You never get ninjas in an office job. You just don't.

They're not actually gonna fight that damn thing are... oh my. I guess they are. Well. Great. Mondays. Fuck.

You know how when you were a child and during the scary parts of the movie came on you hid behind your hands but you always opened them so you could peak? Mainly because you were a foolish child and had a moderate masochistic streak. Well what happened next was somewhat like that.

And I'd describe it, but I wasn't a foolish child and I didn't have a masochistic streak nor did I gain one when I became an adult.

To sum up, when I opened my eyes, the carpet was oozing with black stuff. It looked like the kind of stuff sex pistols fans put in their hair to make it all sharp and pointy. And once again, there were eyes looking up at me. These eyes however didn't think I looked like an appetizer. Thank god for small favors. I should at least be saved for dessert.

So the first ninja raised her hand and waggled her finger at me. Kinda like your mom used to do when you knew you were in trouble, and hey, as I said I wasn't a foolish child. I actually went to my mom when I was a kid instead of fleeing punishment so whaddya know, I dropped down from the rafters and hoped to god I got grounded.

The trio stood there and I faced them. Then the one who summoned me made a wave of her hand and the first two slipped out. Boom. Gone. I gotta learn that trick.

A second later, she undid the mask that hid her face and I saw she was of Chinese descent. Though more so than I. Even more surprising when she opened her mouth, out flowed formal style Cantonese. Damn, that was unexpected. I could tell easy enough she wasn't a local just from her stature but after six months here one does not expect to hear the quick staccato sounds of home.

She sounds like my grandmother did.

"This place will not be safe long." she said succintly. Safe. Heh! She needs to check her dictionary better. "I would suggest you leave quickly little one." Little one! Why that... err, wait a sec. She just crushed some wacko creature into the carpet and now she's letting me out of this house. Gosh, what a nice girl. Thanks for the tip.

So I stepped away, back towards the window I had enterred from and as I slid it open and flipped one leg out she smiled. And flipped a coin from her hand at me. My reflexes are quick. Good thing too. I didn't want to embarrass myself any more than I had. I snapped it out of the air and stared at the emblem of a dragon head stamped into the silver coin. What the... I looked up and she was gone. Dammit I gotta learn that trick. Talking about gone. I had better be too.

So twenty seconds later when the guards got sick of the aching silence and broke down the door they found the half digested bodies of a few dogs and an aging drug lord, a bunch of black goo, and one very lightweight, very deceased mistress.

And that's all they ever found. If they knew, they'd count themselves lucky.

As for me, I think I'm going to write a short report. This ah... carpal tunnel syndrome is really getting to me you know. Short report it is. I'd hate to lose my trigger hand.

        Beloved Cousin Neil,
The reunion went well.  I met all the relatives I had hoped to.  We got a
bunch of photographs but I don't think any of us will ever be in the
picture.  Just the luck huh?  Anyway, it was fun and I'll be home soon.
Give my regards to the family.

        Love,
        Darling Cousin Mira

Hey, who has time to read anymore anyways?